Machete

Machete (**1/2)

Knowing full well that it was cut from the same cloth as Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Kill Bill, and Grindhouse--where it was actually born as a fake trailer--I assumed I was somewhat prepared for the absurd, hyper-violent, self-aware, do-ridiculous-things-just-because-they're-ridiculous style of Machete. And, for the most part I was, but even I wasn't quite prepared to see Cheech Marin being crucified (no, really, he gets crucified) after a gunfight in a church played out with "Ave Maria" in the background, Robert DeNiro shooting a pregnant woman and smiling for his YouTube video, or whatever was up with the hell Lindsay Lohan's character. And then, of course, there's when Danny Trejo, in the titular role, overhears a doctor explain that the human body contains 60 feet of intestine, and then uses that information tactically in the next scene. Machete is the latest of Robert Rodriguez's Frankenstein's monsters, a blood-soaked revenge flick with a bunch of entangling alliances between our wayward ex-cop hero, an underground illegal immigration network, a Texas State Senator who may be the least preposterous character in the movie thanks to the Tea Party's existence, and a Mexican drug lord who, for no real reason, is played by Steven Segal. Provided it doesn't morally offend you, it's a mostly fun jaunt into the realm of self-aware action movie shtick, and really it's biggest flaw is that it occasionally seems to forget what it is and starts taking itself seriously for a few moments.

The movie dispenses with any notions of subtlety before the opening credits, as Machete (according to his government file that you see on screen at one point that's his actual given name) busts into the hideout of the Mexican druglord Torres, cuts up a few unsuspecting henchmen with a machete (if his parents named him leaf blower would he use a leaf blower?), and saves a naked girl, only to discover that the naked girl was with Torres all along. Enter Torres in traditional movie villain style, who executes Machete's wife with his katana (because everything's better with katanas, I guess) and leaves him for dead. Shocker: Machete doesn't actually die. Three years later, he's on the down-low in a border town in Texas, and gets approached by a mysterious man who offers him $150,000 to kill an anti-immigration state Senator (Robert DeNiro) because, he says, illegal immigration must continue unabated in order for the economy to thrive. To say things aren't what they seem here is to be putting it mildly. Somehow in a little under 2 hours Machete manages to get from here to a massive raid on the compound of a group of Texas vigilantes by a makeshift army of Mexican people driving chop-shop cars. Along the way, Machete meets Michelle Rodriguez, who is the unofficial head of "the network," an underground group helping illegals cross the border and get set up with jobs, and Jessica Alba, an ICE officer who learns about Machete's past and helps him advance the plot a few times. Whatever. Anybody walking into Machete looking for a brilliant, nuanced plot has made a horrible, horrible error. The movie's main strength--the reason to see it really--is it's individual gags, the best one probably being a sight gag where Machete knocks a guard's gun out of his hand, and repeatedly, tauntingly waves a weed-whacker at him as he tries to pick it up.

The only real problem with the movie, is that sometimes it doesn't seem to remember that it's a movie that was spawned from a fake trailer sandwiched in between two similarly ridiculous grindhouse action movies. At times with DeNiro's character (and I really can't street how bizarre it is seeing him in the movie) it seems like they're trying to make some sort of an actual commentary about the Tea Party movement or the anti-immigration fervor in the country in general. When Jessica Alba stands up on top of a car and gets a crowd of random people to rally around her with a cliche-riddled "we have to stand up for what's right!!" it's hard to tell if they're parodying other speeches from bad movies that took themselves way more seriously, or if they actually thought it was going to be a real emotional moment. Then there's the matter of Lindsay Lohan's character, the daughter of the man who, seemingly, offers Machete the money to kill the Senator, which is equally as bizarre as Lohan's actual life has been for the past few years. Her final scene, which involves her in a nun outfit, is one of the most surreal, confounding things I've ever seen, and not in a "oh yeah, they're just trying to be really ridiculous and over the top" kind of way like most of the rest of the movie, but in a "...what just happened?" sort of way. I think uncomfortable is the best way I can describe the whole thing.


As long as there are going to be actual movies with tag-lines like "Slow Justice is No Justice" there will always be a place for movies like Machete. While most Hollywood action movies will try and pretend that they're not as ridiculous as they are, movies like this embrace what they are at their core. They're violent, dumb, morally dubious, and a decent way to spend 2 hours and 10 bucks.